no sign all day.

i’ll look.
just like you’ll look.
your ache enveloped
by my comparisons.

the similarities are gut wrenching.
for now on i’ll watch my tongue
be careful not to slip up.

all of that time, it should have been me.
you gave it all up and i feel the loss.
just like things make you think of her,
things make me think of her.

she smiles and the every arch
screams of flawlessness
and dishonesty.

i cannot believe it is june again.
the year has rolled around.
a year of half baked prose and half
assed necessaries.

making your dinner and
making your bed.
you have heard this all before.
the right words and the perfect touch.
i can’t change anything.

we are no different from each other.
and it makes me so sad.

230 days too late.

i want to save the worms, they are suffocating.
everything is drowning beneath me.
i hear pale tones and clatter.
blue and red.
bloodshot and watery.

these songs you taught my fingers to dance to.
adagio and opposition.
lacking in words.

listen again, ache at your honesty.
pause again, remember my bitterness.
“remember me in my opaqueness”

2 hours too early,
to try imagine what it would have been like.
gone too soon to appreciate the simple action.
another day,
i close my eyes and do it again

The last two day’s I’ve been thinking today is payday. And it would be if my direct deposit had come through. But it hasn’t. And all of today I’ve been thinking I work 4 to 8 when really today is Thursday and even when I realized it was Thursday, (not payday) I still thought I had to work. So up until an hour ago I thought I worked. And it’s such a great feeling to know I don’t have to work. And today I found out my sister lost her virginity to someone I hate. And he’s such a manipulative bastard. And she’s a screw up and makes poor decisions. And I am glad I’m only like her physically.

Do I know you?
Will I know you? Did I know you?
I stand around, check people out, clean up after children, and judge. I chuckle occasionally at people’s mumbles to be polite. They are always right. I see a person i know here or there, awkwardly waving. I make nice eye contact with a young gentlemen and finish with “have a great afternoon.” (Wouldn’t matter anyway.) I make lists in my head I don’t intend on fulfilling. I sing the same lines of the same songs over and over and over. I cross my fingers for something better to walk along. I only hope to stand out to someone. I anticipate “9:00PM.”

Feeling very odd. Not myself. I have no one to be myself around anymore. I just feel weird. I guess I’m getting used to it. I can’t ever find anything to wear. I can’t ever find anything to drink. I stress out about the little things. I’ve been listening to the same songs over and over again. And I wanna see that person and this person, but I can’t. I’m constantly debating with myself in my head and I have been interrupted twice while just staring and thinking. People don’t know what to think of me. And I guess I like it that way. I miss you and I miss you and you are so nice. Can we meet? And I’m really not a fan of you. And I need new.

Yes, you are the biggest ass hole I have ever known. I let myself let you lead me to believe you weren’t. I…I don’t even know how to comprehend what took place. Sick of people’s shit. Sick of Rochester. Sick of Henrietta. Sick of people’s lack of consistency. Sick of anxiety.

Is spending 3 grand on a car worth it, before I buy my camera? If I had my camera I could make the 3 grand easier. I don’t know. I’m thinking out loud. All I want is for someone to let me think out loud and understand where all of these thoughts are coming from. I wish I could wish I was home. And I wish you’d call me. But I wish you wouldn’t, I don’t want to get attached. I saw A.J at the mall. And that’s were I met him a year ago. And there’s an irony in that. I’m going to get into the shower and cleanse myself of the day’s sins. I’m going to wish for warmer water and fall apart.

It’s 5 am. You’re a stranger to me. I’m in your house. I cannot sleep. Everyone is in bed dreaming of better things. I had an epiphany. I sat on the roof top alone. I silently weeped to myself. I can change. I will get better. Things are gonna change. Life is better than I think it is. Life is better than you think it is.

hands off.
fumbling through my dilapidated sheets

i’m alone in this bed with you beside me
it’s so cold in this bed with you beside me.

i have only a blanket for cloak
and hide my stubborn eyelids
from your yellowed-orange frame
that once hung on my wall
now emptied.

it gripped the image of a barebacked gypsy
at the edge of iron rusted gates
about to enter an unbeknownst city

and i looked at it
the only way i know how
downright bitter

so i let you have it anyway

and it's monday

and i wish it wasn’t. i have mosquito bites on my arms and legs and feet and face. i am feeling the effects of this routine and waiting game. and the disappointment factor. why is it that we always think that we have to just settle? why do we think that we have to tolerate the worst? we never should have to tolerate anything. we shouldn’t ever need to rush. why can’t we just give ourselves the time of day? why can’t you give me the time of day?

I am upset again tonight. I'm in bed and it's only 10:20. I'm laying on ice packs and they hardly help. I am emotional and thinking a lot and have anxiety. I wish I could be camping with attractive people that have beautiful souls. I wish I could do that. I wish I wouldn't get so worked up about things like thing. I saw a picture of a drummer from MO and his wife and it made me so upset and jealous. I'm such a freak. I just need to get all of this out of my heart. I am listening to Jeniferever and just trying to cleanse myself. Ask your friends if they like Jeniferever and if they do tell them to call me. I hate telephones, nevermind. Have you seen me cry yet? I hope not, I never want anyone to see me so vulnerable. I noticed I need to be ready for everything, like so prepared people look at me funny. If not, I flip a shit and get the worst panic attack. Theres a gnat flying around my had and i wapped at it and hit my face. and i got a cut on my knee from a pillow.

and i just keep thinking of that night. and how it was so simple. and you were so kind. and you talked to me so well and had nothing to hide from this complete stranger. and i never even cared that you wouldn’t stop talking about yourself because i was genuinely interested and smiled at your life’s quirky aspects. and i wanted to kiss you on the cheek goodbye, with a vague handshake even though we just met…

I am everything internally

I am reincarnating this thing. I know I can really get out what I need to say on here.
I have to start out by saying I absolutely despise the internet. This generation has gone to the pits.
But I live in my own world and I let people in and out of it.
Some people I like more than others, but i am an oyster, crack me open.

Person A. talks about not wanting to get serious and settle down and really truly love. But then Person B. believes they can change Person A's thinking, really make them fall and even change their mind about life itself. Then B falls for A and B accredits that they have started to change A's mind. Simply because A will kiss B and tell B the most kind words that really make them feel significant and when it almost seems like A was falling for B (because B knows they are worth falling for) A begin to change and there's a crack in things. A falls through B's fingers and they stop talking. Person A fins another and apparently falls head over heels for this Person C. And C was really the one to change A's mind just like B thought they could. And B couldn't feel any less insignificant, always comparing their love to how A and B once were.

right now i am a roaming

unapart;
not an actual word.
but probably defines me, "these days."
not a huge fan of the phrase "these days,"
but these days are all i have.

i am moving. no matter what anyone says or whatever happens,
i am moving. eastown, michigan. summer 09.
i will finally lead the life i have wanted.

i am not totally in love with this new school idea.
or the school idea, period.
i gotta a whole different kind of mind, love.

this won't count

Emotional and loving
Intuitive and imaginative
Shrewd and cautious
Protective and sympathetic
Changeable and moody
Overemotional and touchy
Clinging and unable to let go
that's my astrological sign assessment. its fucking accurate.

at the moment i am typing this, there is a tiny gnat, ghatting around the computer screen. i won't squash it.
im in love with "esty." i am furnishing and filling my life with their shit.